The Artsaypunk

Last night I finally saw “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.” I realize that if I say “finally” like that, it makes it seem as though I had really been anticipating this cinematic masterpiece, which I assure you was not the case. But unfortunately for guys my age, it’s just something you have to do. You have to complete your allegiance to films of your youth. I think we could safely call this “The Star-Wars Syndrome.” Our loyalty to the original Star Wars trilogy forces us to go see the new installments, both of which have been the sci-fi, cinematic equivalent of a train-wreck. I could write better dialogue in my sleep than George Lucas. In fact, I could write better dialogue even if I were passed out drunk in a hotel room in Fresno, woken up with a bucket of water to the head by a couple of Hollywood goons, and then forced to sit at the desk with a pen and the Holiday Inn stationery to scratch out a few scenes, nauseous from the fumes of my own breath. I wonder if George Lucas wanders around his house saying things like: “Good Morning, my wife. This table is hard and wooden, not like you, you’re soft and fluffy, like a pillow.” Otherwise, his writing has absolutely no conceptual relationship with the way that people actually speak, alien or otherwise.

But I’ve gotten lost in the disappointment that is the total corruption of the childhood, light-saber [...]

Last night I was watching part of the movie Top Gun on television and then all of a sudden Goose died. Goose always seems to die every time I watch that movie. It makes me sad. I like Goose. I wish he wouldn’t die each time. He’s the only normal one of the bunch. And I sympathize with him because he’s the only guy that can’t take his shirt off in that strange, sexually charged, beach volleyball game. But, then again, he is married to Meg Ryan, and that’s not too shabby. All of us can take strength from the fact that the smart, funny guy got the hottest girl. And then he dies. But ignore that part… I always do. “Where’s Goose? I don’t know why he’s not at graduation… he must be on vacation.”

But I’m serious about the homosexual tension in this film. I lose count of the number of scenes that take place in the shower room. Everyone has to take their shirt off quite a bit, because presumably those air-force uniforms really chafe your skin. Here are a bunch of finely toned young men, living and showering together, and flying half-billion dollar phallic symbols through the air at incredible speeds, penetrating the sound barrier, if you will. Because, after all, they have a need… a need for speed. Then you have such choice, smolderingly intense dialogue as:

“You’re still dangerous… but you can be my [...]

Here is my Oscar Recipe for Success:

If you are a woman: Make yourself ugly.

If you are a man: Play a character who is handicapped in someway or another.

In this way, we can assume the absolute be all and end all Oscar winner, would be an ugly, transvestite, prostitute murderer with a reverse-nose job, who grew up an autistic, child-prodigy pianist, over pressured by parental forces, and is now obsessive compulsive, blind and says “Who-Ahh!” all [...]

Last night I watched the movie “Without a Paddle” on Pirated PakistaniVision. Sadly, that is two hours of my life I will never get back. I have no idea why I continued to sit and watch this movie after the first five minutes. It was a train wreck, I couldn’t look away. Or maybe I just desperately hoped it would get better. I tried to imagine Seth Greene, who I used to think was pretty funny, reading the script and thinking, “Yeah, for sure, this sounds great.” I really wonder how that happens. Maybe the script has potential but then during production something happens, and you suddenly realize that you’ve accepted a role in the cinematic equivalent of a rancid piece of dog shit. This movie had no place, it didn’t seem to know what it was. It tries to be ridiculous, but then there are these life-affirming buddy scenes. Nothing fit. The dialogue was so stilted it almost didn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Instead of “Without a Paddle” I think they should have gone with “Shit Creek.”

So yeah, go see this movie, two [...]