The Artsaypunk

The last few days have been so damn hot that I finally went on the internet to find out just how hot it really was. As of 7:00 PM it was still 34 degrees Celsius (stinkin’ hot, Fahrenheit). Now, that’s not so bad for the middle of a desert, but I think the 56% humidity might have something to do with the drenching, life-force draining atmosphere of the last few days. After all, everyone and their dog will tell you that “It’s not the heat… it’s the humidity.” This maxim is so prevalent that it has completely obliterated “It’s not heavy… just awkward” in the Annual Clichéd Adage competition. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I complained of the heat to an aborigine in the depth of the Australian Outback and he replied, “It’s not the heat… it’s the humidity,” and then proceeded to spread the message across the hills via didgeridoo (I am pleasantly surprised, however, that didgeridoo is in the MS Word dictionary; Crocodile Dundee be proud.).

Anyway, what quite confused me about this Internet weather report was that although the temperature was clearly given as 34 degrees, a little further down, the temperature was adjusted to 40 degrees with Wind Chill. Come again? Wind Chill?

Explain that one [...]

Well, this is a new one on me.

A while back, I was at the local veterinarian’s office with the Soph-Star. She had rescued a tiny, abandoned kitten from the middle of the road, and I had tagged along to ask about my animal-magnetism, which seemed to be flagging of late. The vet assured us that the kitten, whom we had already labelled “Flea Willikers,” was strong and needed only near constant care and frequent eye-dropperings of milk. She informed me that, unfortunately, my animal-magnetism had reversed polarity, which I found distressing. Sadly, the stalwart Flea mewed his way off this mortal coil that very night. Poor little, short-lived Flea. Hopefully we showed him the best day and a half of his little life.

So, all in all, an upsetting trip to the Vet. However, as we were waiting in line, I was flipping through one of those pet-type magazines, which I can only imagine Veterinarian offices subscribing to, when I came upon a small advert that caught my attention. It was a blank white square with only the word “Neuticles” in blue font, and the catch phrase, “Testicular Implantation for Pets.” I was intrigued. I was well aware of the principle of reverse-vasectomies, but I also knew that pets are completely castrated like a sixteenth-century soprano. How the heck do you reverse that? Thankfully, the website, www.neuticles.com was supplied at the bottom of the ad. My head swam with comedic potential. There was [...]

To all my well-meaning and otherwise, very intelligent friends:

If you think that the email forward you are sending me is a hoax, but you’re sending it anyway, just in case, I’ll let you in on a little secret: It’s a hoax.

There is absolutely no way that Microsoft, were it even possible to track, would give out a nickel to every apple-cheeked kid who sent an email forward. Think about it. Microsoft did not get where it is today by thinking about the little guy, especially the stupid little guy.

Nor will that cute little baby, who apparently has cancer, ever benefit from your sending that email to everyone you know. In fact, I can almost guarantee that the kid in that picture is now a thriving teenager given how long ago I first started getting these emails.

I will find out about viruses on my own, but thanks for your concern. I tend not to open emails with attachments that I don’t recognise so you can quit warning me about that. And you know that one you guys send me twice a year about the file that has infected my windows system? Yeah, that file is supposed to be there. Chill Winston…

That girl with the red hair who keeps going missing? I bet she’s just fine. Perhaps next time, before sending me a missing child’s photo, you might consider that for such a cross-country scheme to be effective, some details about the child last known whereabouts, height, [...]

This post serves a dual purpose.

One, it serves to break the latest silence on the blog, which is difficult, because I always feel I have to come back in with a bang. But while I’m on the subject, I just wanted to thank everyone for continuing to check in. I was scoping out my stats (36-24-36) and it seems that although I have been unable of late, for various reasons, to keep up my blogging standards, a great number of you are still faithful. You make a big man cry.

And two, I just wanted to report that the other day I was making tea (which perhaps, as a Tim Horton’s kid, demonstrates my acceptance of this culture more than anything else), and although I watched the pot the whole time (in an effort to increase my procrastination time away from writing TV episodes), and despite my mother’s assurances to the contrary my entire life… it still boiled. Just thought you should know for future reference. Actually, to be honest, I just want to see if anyone can decipher that convoluted excuse for a sentence. And those who know me really well will probably guess that I just spent way too much time going back and adding clauses. In retrospect, I probably should have just said, “I watched a pot, and it boiled.”

Oh well. When it comes to blogging, sometimes you just have to get back on the horse… as long as it wasn’t [...]

Now, I know that at some point I should ceased to be amused by the grammatical goofs of advertisements and packaging over this way… but not yet baby… not yet. I came across this one on a cute little package of rat poison at the supermarket.

Rats are your enemies and of your economy!
Combat rodents onslaught with czar rodent killer
which is an attractant to rats mice, no matter rodents,
eat steal food [...]