The Artsaypunk

A few years ago in Calgary, I was over at a girl’s house watching a movie. Exciting stuff, no? Problem was, that we selected Casino for our viewing pleasure. Now this, in and of itself, was not a problem, Casino is a fantastic movie. The trouble was that Casino is three hours long, and somewhere [...]

Well, you just can’t tell two stories about Elmer now can you? Elmer has trilogy written all over him. Where to start? Well, for new readers, Elmer was my Beer-Swilling-Eel Fishing-Ex-Uncle-In-Law. A well-known source of childhood trauma in my life. He stands out in my memory because of his amazing capacity to make exactly the [...]

Growing up, I was always about five years older than my brother. In fact, even now, I am still five years older. But Andrew has always been fiercely competetive. So when we were younger, he was obsessed with playing Stretch, because it was one game where my age and size wasn’t an advantage. I know [...]

For most of the first year that I lived in Calgary, I would walk to work down 8th street almost everyday. As we have seen, I tend to find my own amusements along such routes. One day I noticed some graffiti on the wall of an underpass that read, “Amy Smith is a Slut!” … [...]

Know what’s been really bothering me since early 1995? Ivory Soap. Ivory soap really pisses me off. And the strange thing is, when I was a kid, I used to love the stuff. For some reason, the fact that a bar of Ivory floated on top of the water was the coolest thing about bath-time [...]

It strikes me that if you know a guy named Elmer, then you better have maore than one story about him. It also strikes me that the “Elmers” of the world must be near extinction. It’s just not a name I see being passed down much longer. I’ve never met any 4-year old Elmers. They [...]

To my classmates of Grades 3,4,5 and 6, Remember when the teachers ran out of ideas on a Friday afternoon and they would have us play “7-Up”? Remember that game? We had to put our heads on our desks and close our eyes while seven of our classmates snuck about, tapping us on the head. [...]

The news says it’s snowing in Canada. A late spring snowstorm. A total annoyance for everyone at home I’m sure, who is set for the cold and wet to be done and the warm sunshine to begin. As for me, I’m nostalgic. I would give anything for just a touch of chill in the air [...]

The other night I was having sushi with a friend, and I came dangerously close to telling this story: You see, I can’t eat sushi without thinking of Elmer.  Long before I even knew what Sushi was, I knew Elmer.  He was short and burly.  The hair he did have was cropped short, and he [...]

Sometimes, at the most unexpected moments, from the deepest, darkest forests of my soul arises the strongest craving for a Large Double-Double from Tim Hortons. What do they put in that stuff that somehow tastes so good and causes Caffeine-Flashbacks six months and 10, 000 miles later?