Classic Embarassment…
Lately, I’ve been in an awkward position, and not in any sexual way… not this time. No, I find myself feeling shame, actual shame, based on what I’m reading. Personally, I think it’s uncalled for, not to mention untoward. However, toward or not, I still catch myself shifting my book into skewed reading positions that keep the cover hidden to the general public. On the subway, it’s the cross-legged, cover cover-up. In the staff room, it’s the face-down on the table hunched over reading style. These are the awkward positions of being in the awkward position of feeling ashamed of your book.
And what is this troublesome tome, you ask (or more likely wouldn’t ask)? Is it the dregs of the literary barrel, the likes of tawdry romances, books with “shopaholic” in the title, or Dan Brown novels? Not hardly. I have not fallen so far in our time apart, my friends. As it happens, I’m reading Crime and Punishment, a classic of Russian Literature. So why should I be embarrassed, you again might ask? It’s Doestoy-friggin’-evsky for God’s sake. Well, that’s just it. I’m sick of the eye-rolling, the sarcasm, and the implied, “Ooooh, Doestoyevsky, eh?”
It appears that there are only a few known responses to great works of literature these days. It is acceptable if the reader appears to be a student, or scholarly in general, but otherwise people seem to think the reader is showing off or else overreaching himself. You really do get a sense of, “Who does this guy think he is reading a book like that. Must be trying to show off his intelligence to the world (read: subway car).” Is it actually plausible that someone would choose to read a book purely to demonstrate his or her academic acumen or pretense thereof? I’m not sure, it seems like quite an effort without much pay off.
When I first caught a few looks on the subway, a few hmphs, I wondered, “Do I do this?” Do I judge people by what they’re reading? Damn right I do. But it’s usually the other end of the literary spectrum And I really shouldn’t, because there are times when I read airport pulp (sometimes not even at airports) and I certainly wouldn’t want to be judged by it. If someone caught me reading, oh let’s say, John Grisham, I’d certainly feel an even deeper sense of shame than I do now. I’d be scrambling through my bag in a flash saying, “Wait, wait! I’m actually reading Doestoyevsky!” I guess it’s the same impulse that leads me to scratch at those damn “Oprah Book Club” stickers. So, am I destined to be embarrassed by both really bad and really good books? Will I be forced to find books that straddle the divide? Nah… In the end, it really doesn’t bother me that much, it’s more of just an observation. I feel much better now. Good, I’m glad we talked.
Anyway, that’s enough tangential Tolstoy. For now, it’s back to my book. I’ve made it through the Crime and I have a feeling there’s some punishment on it’s way.
at kgs, i remember in grade 10 i got the “most improved student” award. a reward rather demeaning and embarassing nonetheless, but i got it. nevertheless, i also ended up getting ‘anna karenina’ along with it. i plundered though about seven pages and then fell asleep. i still haven’t bothered trying to get through it.
when you coming over to meet my kid?
Yesterday I had to go to the hospital. Nothing too serious, so I brought some homework to help with the wait. I spend most of my waiting room time doing Calculus, but after I was admitted I decided to switch to reading my Biological Anthropology textbook. The nurse came in and saw the book and exclaimed in surprised manner, “Why are you reading that?” I replied, “Because I’m a Biological Anthropology student.” Later when the doctor appeared he saw the book, gave me a smile and said something along the lines of “Good work.” After I left I started to wonder if it may seem to be pretentious to read such textbooks while in a hospital? I’m not overly concerned with the matter, I was more intent on getting my reading finished for the upcomming week.
I have an English degree (half of one, anyway – little double-major joke), and yet I am far more impressed that you are using WordPress, the patron saint of open-source content management software. As you say, any asshole could pretend they are enjoying Crime and Punishment, but choosing the right blogware? That’s a taste that can’t be faked.
Nice to read your stuff again!
Thanks,
If you liked that, you’d love my operating system. Somehow I’ve become an open-source champion. I suspect the aforementioned abbas is partly to blame.
Man, am I sfb. Had I checked this out last month, we could have hoisted one while I was in TO. You did kinda drop off the map.
The only thing that really counts when lugging around reading is – how heavy? will it need wheels? will it get caught in the elevator door behind me and will it cost more to feed than the dog? Paul Auster’s ‘The Book of Illusions’ was just right.
I am looking forward for your next update.
Yeah, so am I, stranger, so am I.
Nicely done =)
I remember that happening to me when I was reading Ayn Rand’s – Atlas Shrugged.